For some reason or another, I’ve been feeling emotionally fragile, and I’m rather unconcerned.
Seriously, I almost cried to Hallelujah by Panic! at the Disco. That is not a sad song, and it does not deserve tears.
Maybe it’s because it’s Junior year, or as I like to call it, hell year. Maybe I’m feeling crushed by the sensation that I am not nearly as integrated into any group of people on my campus as someone who has been here as long as I have been has been. I mean, those are things that pass through my mind, and it doesn’t a healthy mindset make.
I am feeling rather emotionally fragile, but I’m not feeling very sad. There is this weird feeling like at any moment my heart might skip but it just hasn’t yet. I am, as previously mentioned, crying to inappropriate songs. There’s a welling up of something inside of me, and I’m not sure what.
I’m the kind of person that it takes a very long time to fully realize things. I don’t get excited that I am going on vacation until I am standing in a different state and doing something fun. I’m thick like that.
I think just maybe I’m realizing that I’m getting older. Right now, I’m finally realizing it. Shit man, that’s late, right? That seems late.
And I think, maybe, it’s because I’ve started shifting my mindset that I’ve begun to realize that. Things that have changed in the past few months include:
- Actively and consistently using a planner.
- Formed actual habits that did not end within three days.
- Actually took steps to develop skills that I have wanted for years.
- Was completely confronted with how not alone I am as a queer religious person as an actual reality.
- Looked at my friends and realized that for the first time in four years I actually believe that they like me.
Listen, I have to write a thesis, I am behind on one of my majors, I’m applying to exclusively Ivy Leagues for grad school, and I’m going to restart adjusting to a school in a year and a half. I can’t play piano for shit, I can’t sing for shit, I can’t speak German or Italian for shit, I apparently can’t maintain a blog for shit, and as always I am dragging my ass on that whole trying-to-be-a-novelist thing.
But I’m going to do something. I’m going to belong somewhere. I’m going to have people. And I’m going to become better.
And I am going to keep crying every time I listen to Hallelujah by Panic! for some goddamn reason.