We all know what it’s like. You’re underperforming in a class and you see, printed in minuscule font at the bottom of the now coffee smeared and tear stained syllabus, the option to go see a couple new exhibitions at the Met to boost your class grade. Or, you decide that a really sexy date would be coffee and taking him to the newest MoMA retrospective. Maybe you’re visiting a new city and feel like a little culture behind you would make for an even better selfie. But museums are intimidating places, filled with collections of the greatest minds’ work and infinite displays of those who think they are the greatest minds’ to ever critique them. I get it, and that’s why I’m here to write your go-to guide to staring and murmuring softly at that art like a pro.
- Bring as much luggage as possible, preferably backpacks that have as many pockets as possible, to fill with only partially closed containers of food and liquid. I recommend loose leaf salads with particularly potent vinaigrettes.
- If there is exemplary antiquated furniture from generations past, be sure to pretend that you’re reclining on all the chairs and divans because the museum management totally loves a good laugh to get a break from the monotony of the day and their otherwise dull existence.
- Rather than using door handles, simply push the glass doors open with your hands (preferably still sticky from your food and drink).
- Be loud. Very loud. Call up a friend to chat if you’ve gone by yourself. The louder you can talk about the art, the better you are at seeming like you know what you’re talking about.
- Ask the people sketching and drawing what art school they’re going to, if they’ve made very much money yet, and maybe sit down to give them a few pointers.
- Follow around the guided, prepaid tours, being sure to ask lots of questions that have already been answered, just in case the people in the back didn’t hear the first time.
- Carry with you at all times backpack leashes for children so that you can reattach them to their parents when they’ve escaped.
- Don’t follow the lines or queues, especially the ones for the special exhibitions for which you have to pay extra. Ignore those, everyone knows they’re just suggestions.
- Show up just before the closing time and play hide and seek with the guards responsible for ushering people out. They LOVE that.
Editor’s note: The Growing Ever Upwards blog, partners, and staff will not be held responsible for any possible legal action or physical ejections that may occur after following the advice above.